...TEN DAYS UNTIL THE END...

okay so i haven't updated in like five months or so mostly cuz i figure no one really reads this and it's pointless what i write here anyways, but i figure after a five month hiatus and my impending graduation in a few days (assuming my SCU transcript gets here in time...) it's almost appropriate to make one more post before i finish my undergraduate career.  i should be working on a group paper, studying for finals, and cleaning my room, but instead i'm going to sit here and think back over the last four years that are supposed to be the best time of my life.  we're still waiting for judgment on that one.  there are moments i'm convinced it's true and there are others where i cry/laugh at the idea...

FRESHMAN YEAR, 02-03

• ended up in rinconada house, wilbur hall on stanford's gorgeous campus; still one of my favorite places EVER even though i don't live there anymore; being inside its halls makes me both happy and sad at the same time
• reunited with my current roommate, who i hadn't seen since about sixth grade
• spent the first quarter or two of the year entirely hung up on the ex-boyfriend from high school, who incidentally had started dating a girl at a college across the country from him despite having told me he wasn't sure if it would work out with us being at Stanford and Berkeley  :P
• had a crush on a guy - actually awkward (now funny) story about that; my roommate was trying to get him to admit he liked me too while i was in the room, turns out he liked another girl in the dorm; anyways went through a bunch of mini-crushes that looking back weren't anything serious; i think it was a combination of being in a new place with all new people and also being sad that the ex had started dating someone else (incidentally i have dated a total of zero people since being at stanford, funnn...)
• awkward screw your sib moment - have never spoken another word to the poor soul even though i've had classes with him and such
• 2 hour middle of the night walk with the roommate and two other guys from the dorm; was so relaxed and reflective that night
• took my first two social dance classes; who would've thunk?
• missed high school friends a lot; called a few of them every weekend

SOPHOMORE YEAR, 03-04

• ended up in toyon hall; not quite the same as rinc, much larger, more spread out, but boy did i love my hall
• the "scary" boys across the hall who made me let out blood curling screams, their loud music, our next door neighbor's freakishly loud classical music at 3am, the quieter but just as cool boys on the other side of our room, and of course the ECM who i harrassed to no end and hugged about three thousand times a day
• our RF getting mad at us for being too loud o_O
• met a boy, and despite the fact that i knew he would never be interested in me, kept him in my heart all year long; really not the most logical thing ever
• took on way too many things and was constantly stressed out
• learned the Bohemian National Polka!  and first Viennese ball

JUNIOR YEAR, 04-05

• back to rinconada house, wilbur hall - but as a staff member this time!  one of the best decisions i ever made; i don't think any of my residents will ever quite know just how much i loved each and every one of them and how it almost killed me to part with them at the end of the year; i was more than just a little sad, you have no idea.
• drifted from my old friends since i was in the dorm so much
• i heart the staff and i especially heart the third floor because my boys lived there <3
• did all these things with my residents that i missed out on my own freshman year - FACES, fountain hopping, scavenger hunt
• didn't break the red light policy, nor was i sketchy - although i definitely had a crush on a resident (haha i don't think i've ever told anyone that); sort of in an inactive stage NOW but always a possibility for me; doesn't matter cuz he'd never be interested anyways
• screee
• tea with godfrey and patricia after staff meetings
• cried to no end at the end of the year; i still miss them each and every day

SENIOR YEAR, 05-06

• busy as coordinator of peer mentoring programs, but no longer involved in the one-on-one work as much; kind of depressing
• met a guy when i was working new student orientation stuff and something almost started there...but it didn't work out for various reasons
• took two more dance classes, for the first time since freshman year - oh how i missed out the last two years!
• in some ways really opened up and started meeting more people; too bad it's the end of a lot of us, and for those that are around one more year i don't know if there is anything to hold us together, or make sure i am remembered
• watched more movies and tv fall quarter than i think i have in the last three years of stanford!
• definitely interested in a certain boy for the first part of the year; boy was that dumb
• started to fall for another boy toward the end of the year, even though i know for a fact that the feelings are not reciprocated; apparently i am still dumb
• i like country music - the sad sappy love songs, not the twangy ones
• discovered moulin rouge and am officially obssessed with the music...and ewan mcgregor  :P  also still like heath ledger and 10 things i hate about you
• spent some time working away from the dorm, just out on a field of grass - somehow didn't feel alone but very much at peace
• generally just burnt out - emotionally, academically, mentally; definitely need a break, even if it's just a different type of school that starts a week after graduation

GENERAL TRENDS IN MY COLLEGE CAREER

• i get these little infatuations with people when i meet them for the first time and they're cool; i am a romantic sap at heart and always seem to hope in the back of my heart that this one might be "the one" (yeah, right...like that will ever be the case)
• i NEVER like the right guy...let me repeat myself: NEVER; i seem to always fall for the wrong ones - some of them are already taken, but mostly they're just not interested in me...which begs the point that perhaps it isn't that i fall for the wrong guys, but maybe i'm just the wrong girl, period, end of story, no one will ever like me, haha
• on the same subject, guys seem to like to talk to me about their "girl problems" which i love because it means they trust me enough to confide in me; it just sucks when the guy i like is asking me how to win the heart of the girl he likes...
• i hear that i'm supposed to have found my best friends for life here, but i'm not sure; there are definitely a few good ones but i don't feel i have the core group of friends who "get" me; in fact, i don't know if anyone entirely gets me; i think the closest person would be one of my frosh from last year, and i definitely know that by no means am i one of his closest friends
• i am easily forgotten by others - but this i've known (from specific experiences) my entire life

THINGS I LEARNED ABOUT MYSELF

• no matter how much i work things out logically, my heart always takes over in the end; i might tell myself that it's useless worrying about my friendship with someone i don't talk to anymore, but it still bothers me; i might convince myself that a certain boy will never like me, but it's hard to put away already existing feelings
• i like brown clothing, apparently (even my senior formal dress was brown!)
• movies are a great way to distract me
• i'm not pessimistic, just realistic
• i have a pretty decent knack for listening to people and remember what they say, whether it was as an HPAC remembering which people were in which classes and when they had exams and papers or as a friend listening to people vent about their problems, friends, and love life (see point three from section above)
• i can be a serious pushover; it is nearly impossible for me to say no
• i think i will always be a procrastinator
• my eyes get all bloodshot when i drink
• i shouldn't put as much faith in people as i do (i tend to give everyone the benefit of the doubt, i give them all of myself, i trust them) because i always end up getting hurt somehow in the end
• even though i talk a lot to others and i can be loud and happy sounding, i find myself sad and lonely a lot and i'm not sure why
• i have really high expectations of myself
• it's always worth it - even if your heart breaks, even if you cry, even if you're scared, even if you're unsure - it's always worth it (even if i complain about it); life is life and you have to live it

PROBLEMS I'VE "FIXED" (or at least attempted to...)

• being a pushover; i've started to learn how to say no sometimes, but oftentimes it involves making up an only semi-true excuse so i feel less guilty; so you could argue that i haven't really defeated this one yet...
• not being confident; i've definitely improved on this, but only in certain contexts; sometimes i still feel so small and stupid...like a bug
• getting organized - tried, and failed; actually that's not entirely true; i love it when things are neat and organized, but i get lazy/stressed enough that i slip a lot
• feeling the imposter syndrome; it comes and goes

PROBLEMS I'VE WANTED TO "FIX" (but didn't...is there still time?)

• done more stanford things - steam tunneling, the game, study abroad, more spur of the moment walks (no one ever wants to go!)
• learn how to tell a guy i like him, even if it kills me; also not acting all weird around him; somehow i come out as a really giggly airhead -.-
• dance more and like no one is watching...
• not care as much what others think of me; when i'm around others i'm definitely myself, but a tiny part of me is acting how i think they want me to be
• not be brokenhearted over someone who i have no right to be brokenhearted over
• not be so attached to people - while i think interpersonal relationships are the reason for living, they are also the reason i hurt sometimes

there are a lot more things i could add to all of these lists; this is just like the tip of the iceberg; i have about a bazillion thoughts and feelings running through me...but i just don't have the time to sit here and put them all down on paper, er, computer?  it doesn't matter anyways, deep inside i know what they are...maybe i'll update later if i feel like it.

i am going back to school today and am excited about seeing people again for the first time in weeks.  as fun and relaxing as home can be, i've realized that i have gotten very used to living with friends/roommates in dorms and being on campus in general over the last few years, and now when i'm away everything just feels strange.  that being said, i am ready to go back to campus...although not quite yet looking forward to starting classes  o_O  booooooo.

i hope everyone had a nice holiday season  :)  come visit me if you're still around for a while?  :D

40 Things You Might Not Know...stolen from sandra...

Erase my answers & put in your own.

1. What color underwear are you wearing right now? i have no idea

2. What are you listening to right now? phantom of the opera soundtrack

3. what are the last 2 digits in your phone number? 38

4. What was the last thing you ate? orange creme saver

5. If you were a crayon what color would you be? fuschia (i don't know why i said that)

6. How is the weather right now? chilly but GREAT!

7. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone? maria my roommate

8. The first thing you notice about the opposite sex? smile  :)

9. Favorite type of Food? don't get maria and i started on food...we may never stop talking again

10. Do you drink? drink what?

11. Do you smoke? yuuuck no

12. Ever get so drunk you dont remember? nope

13. Hair color? dark brown

14. Eye color? brown

15. Do you wear contacts? yesyesyes

16. Single? always and forever, it seems like...

17. Favorite Month? i don't know...

18. Have you ever cried for no reason? don't people always cry for a reason?

19. Last Movie you Watched? mr. and mrs. smith!  yay for middle of the night movie watching...

20. Favorite Day of the week? i don't know...

21. Are you too shy to ask someone out? yeah, pretty much.  at least so far.

22. Hugs or Kisses? hugs AND kisses  :P

23. Chocolate or Vanilla? that's too hard  :(

24. Do you want your friends to respond? i think they all have better things to do with their time...unlike me...

25. Who is most likely to respond? i don't have any friends, haha

26. Who is least likely to respond? see above

27. What books are you reading? who has time to read books with finals on the way?  the only reason this applies is cuz i never do work on a regular basis...

28.Piercings or tattoos: one per ear, yay.

29. Fav. Movie? moulin rouge, love actually, lotr, silence of the lambs, lots and lots and lots...i am easily entertained

30. Fav. baseball team? yuuuck baseball

31. Any pets? i want a puppy...

32. AIM? how can you live without it?

33. Butter, Plain or salted popcorn? eh...

34. dogs or cats? i like both, but dogs better, plus i'm allergic to cats, but that's okay they're still cool

35. fav. flower? i don't know...but roses are my birthflower!

36. Have you ever fired a gun? yep

37. Do you like to travel by plane as opposed to car? not really...

38. Right handed or left handed? right

39. How many pillows do you sleep with? three...

40. Are you missing someone? yes.  definitely.  more than one, even.

i don't know why i just filled that out.  it's useless and doesn't say anything about me.  i think i am trying to avoid working on stuff for finals...

time for my monthly rant  o_O

i've realized that it bothers me when people say things they don't actually mean.  i mean, everyone occassionally does it, but for some people it happens so often that it has become an expected part of their behavior.  don't say you wish you could help when you don't.  don't say you wish you could have danced with someone when it didn't really matter to you.  don't say you want to hang out when clearly you don't give a rat's ass about that person.  don't say you'll stop by to visit if you're not even considering doing so.  you think you're doing the other person a favor by putting forth a nice gesture, but really you're making them feel bad because clearly you've giving them sympathy comments for being pathetic in your eyes.  maybe it's not that harsh, but it's the same idea...

i've also realized that i am used a lot.  sometimes it's more explicit - like when someone i don't talk to ever asks me for a ride to the airport, or when people get lazy and make me or ask me to do things for them, like pick up stuff or drop things off, just so they don't have to do it.  but sometimes it's more subtle...like people asking me to hang out or work with them on something, not because they were looking for me specifically, but just because i am there and convenient to ask.  i guess it's not necessarily intentional so it's not that bad inherently, but it kind of sucks when you realize you're useful only because you're the only one around and if someone else were to show up you'd be shoved on the backburner.

meow.  that stinks.

**edit**

basically i think i count on other people too much (which isn't always a bad thing) but it sometimes gets my feelings unnecessarily hurt.  must become more independent and scary, hahaha.  i can be scary.  :D